Blog Title: My Arms Fold Back

Amy Winehouse Can Sing

You know I didn't really get into Amy Winehouse until recently. You see I'm always behind the times - never in front. I kept seeing images of her withering body with ballet shoes and beehive stumbling from one pub to the next and wondered what's all the fuss about? So I listened to "Rehab" and now I'm a huge fan - ranting and raving to friends about her with mixed responses. Nash said he knew about her for ages and even had the album playing as a soundtrack to a camping trip that was "months ago". I wonder why he didn't say anything to me about how great she is? Maybe its because you have these pleasures going on in your mind they don't get verbalized until something triggers the Amy Winehouse conversation. All you have to do with her is close your eyes and think you are in the deep south and its about 1940.

Speaking of pleasures in the back of your mind, a guilty one of mine is "Spoonman". Now this is indeed something I was quite prepared to never talk about until the other day at work. I confessed to Paul that I listen to the "Spoonman" on the way home from work every night and he laughed because he does as well. You see, the "Spoonman" or "Spooney" to his friends, is a complete and utter dork, righteously informed, painfully politically correct, creepily deep voiced, piece of talk back radio work. He's the guy that everyone from the suburbs listens to when they just want to snuggle in bed with their sense of "doing their bit" for the world and snickering at all the "bad" people out there that need their proverbial "wrist slapped". To hell with it, I love him. He's the scary red head on the right hamming it up with Wierd Al Yankovic. I'd put a link to his web page but I'm too scared of how disgusted you'll be with me.

What the hell, I'm going to throw in another one. Extreme Makeover is something I find hard to live without. Up late, eating dinner after work, kettles on, slippers - check. It flashes up on the screen with promises of amazing transformations - from slob to sensational! - from dowdy to dangerous! - One of my favorite episodes is the snaggle tooth guy. Anyway this is "Jim" above - and this is "Jim" below. Humble Hog to Handsome Hunk!

Joan Collins Arrives At David Frost Summer Party

Its funny, I was just getting my hair this morning and I looked into the mirror. The light in the hairdresser was of a most unflattering nature but none the less I was cheerful. I was having the morning off as they say, childless, work less, a free agent amongst a room full of hairdressers and their clients. It struck me, not the lightening bolt type, but the matter of factual type, gee Sheila you look like your getting old. No way, are you kidding me, its my genes I would always say when someone looked surprised at my age (I'm 41 and look a bit younger I guess, but not this morning as you can gather). Anyway, I wondered does this mean anything. Will I freak out at about 4 am and think that I'm an old hag that no one will ever have the hots for again? Will I ever get surgery - or the more favorable non invasive treatments stars go on about? I laughed, because one of the trainee girls watching the hair cut take place was amazed at my relaxed state (a lot of hair was coming off - I needed a Posh-like, Katie Holmes make over). "Gee you look relaxed for someone getting so much off the length!". "Yeah, when you start having kids you couldn't care less about things like that", I condescended. Are you kidding Sheila?

Anyway, it struck me when I looked at this picture of Joan Collins that may be she couldn't care less about her looks (I mean I know she cares but she has that 'up yours!' bravado that just adds eyeliner with every year). Mutton dressed up as lamb? 'Get stuffed!' is Joan's motto. My Mum reckons she was the poor man's Elizabeth Taylor (she was quoting I know), but it just struck me that she really doesn't look 74.

What Will Nash Do Next?

I have been tagged my dear friend Nash- he says that you have to list 8 things that are about you or something - random? crazy?? things that people don't know about you - that's hard because most things that people know about me are random and crazy...

1. When I was little I wanted to be an air hostess. My friend Doris and I wrote a letter to the universe and pledged our allegiance to the world of air hostessing. We buried this pledge in my backyard where the idea stayed.

2. I thought that going to church was boring. I used to stare at the clock and pray that the hour would end quickly. Our priest caught me yawning and gave me the death stare. It didn't stop me from yawning and his death stares mellowed over time. Little did I know that many things in my life would bore me to tears and staring at clocks is my weakness.

3. I have a knack for the dramatic. I can break into a sweat over the most stupid things (they are too numerous to mention). Under pressure I can turn into a robot like super hero and create an atmosphere of calm that even I thought was impossible.

4. I love watching T.V. I know this must come as a shock to most people but its true. I can watch Extreme Makeover with the same interest as a documentary on the inner workings of the brain.

5. I eat exactly the same thing each day for breakfast (cereal with soy milk and nice coffee). It gives me great pleasure when I make it because I am the first one up and the house is quiet. I feel great comfort that Woody Allen also shares this ritual with me (he prefers cheerios with 7 slices of banana on top).

6. I daydream. I can drive from one place to another and not remember how I got there.

7. I love stationery. Not just the printed, delicate stuff. Anything that is filed under that category. I can go through Officeworks and just marvel at the amount of notepads there are to cater for any activity. The other day I stayed in there for close to an hour and forgot that the rest of my family was in the car wondering what the hell was going on.

8. I thought that I would think differently about things when I got older but that hasn't happened. There's a lot to be said for consistency.

Sheila.

Dreaming

Its funny what you think about sometimes. The first thing that pops into my head when I think of the word 'dreaming' is Deborah Harry singing 'Dreaming' and how I used to be a teenage girl singing it at the top of my lungs in my bedroom along with my mums stereo which just happened to be housed there because of some sort of deal with Mum of how it was in every one's best interests that it be there - "it would be less noisy!" - who knows - the deal was done. So there I am in the middle of my bedroom screaming; "dreamin' just dreamin'" and then I'm transported back to now and I realize that it was a fun thing to do. So I am generally thinking about dreaming and I can't get past Deborah Harry for two reasons: one, she did this interview where she explained how having children passed her by. I was saddened by this but didn't think much else of that until many years later. And two, she talked about how she was picked up in Ted Bundy's Volkswagon beetle after a hard night out on the town. Hitchhiking because she couldn't get a taxi (pissed out the front of studio 54 or something like that).




If you don't know who Ted Bundy is, well he's just one of those text book serial killers that is on the one hand intriguing because of is so called 'charisma' and on the other he was one of the most violent and sadistic killers ever documented. I used to be interested in serial killers but I can't stand thinking about them anymore. Anyway, Deborah Harry was in his beetle and she noticed that he didn't have any window winders or door handles or something and alarms went off and sorry to cut a long story short but she managed to get out. Only later when he was caught would she really know the full extent of the fate she narrowly escaped.


Anyway, since taking a break from blogging I have been having these daydreams about Anna Nicole Smith acting like a loony clown in front of her new born baby. They are sort of frustrated - how could she be carrying on like this? - character assisnation daydreams. Imagine her baby, seeing her mother move around the room sort of pissed, high, blubbering like a lunatic and that stupid lawyer who thought he was the father of the poor little thing filming her for the family home video night - what the hell was going on? So when the poor little thing grows up and wonders what to expect out of life she has that for prosperity. Come on, everyone hates clowns! What more were they going to do to that baby that would screw her up?



Then I see on 'Entertainment Tonight' there's a re-enactment of the moment in hospital when Anna Nicole Smith notices/finds out/realizes that her son Daniel is dead. Lots of screaming and crying and yukky stuff all there for the little one to embed her poor brain for future couch sessions with her shrink. Gosh, I really was going to start talking about dreaming and now I forget what I was going to say. Thanks Anna Nicole Smith.


Oh yes, last night I dreamt of Noel Gallagher. I have never really fancied that snotty nosed Pom but now because of last night, I think I have a new celebrity crush. He was tender, sweet and sort of innocent in my dream and we were falling for each other. The absolute opposite of his personality I'm sure. Yet when we walk in dreams, things are meant to be sweeter - aren't they?

New Post On Its Way!

Hellooooo?

That's funny, I thought Sheila would be back from her holiday by now. Hmmm, hope she doesn't mind me wandering in like this. Too bad really. She shouldn't leave the back door unlocked. Okay, who wants to party? You're all welcome, so c'mon in! My name's Nash n I'll be your host.

Sheila and I used to party like it's 1999 (and any other year). We started in 1983 to be precise although we met the year before that. Ah, so many stories. Let's put on some music (any requests?) and have a drink. Who wants a Tequila Slammer?

I'm sure Sheila would like one. If she was here. She'd probably like two. Then again, maybe she's gone off them. I mean there was that run-in with the Law way back when. Hang on, lemme pour us all another shot first. Ready? Down the hatch. Mmmm *cough* okay, sooo one night Seela n I went to n ope-ning ovva bar n when we got... Er, where's Miz Lizzi gone? Cun summon go n get her, please. Thankss. Okay, less havva Tequila n I'll finishh story... Uh, who did thisss to the cat?









*sound of someone arriving and opening the front door*

When in the Hell is Sheila Coming Back?

Greetings earthlings,
Like a lot of you I've been wondering when Sheila will return from her holiday. I know she's out there somewhere because she recently did a guest post on my blog (drift) and now I'm here to return the favour...

Sheila and I love to play the 6 Degrees of Separation game so with this in mind I planned to write something about her connection to some of the people she writes about here at My Arms Fold Back. What I was really hoping for was a connection to Anna Nicole-Smith through Zsa Zsa Gabor. Sadly I couldn't make the connection in 6 steps. The best I could manage was 7:

Sheila knows Nash who knew (the late actor) Les Foxcroft who worked with Barry Humphries (aka Dame Edna) who knows Zsa Zsa who's married to Prince Frederic Van Anhalt who claims to have impregnated ANS. Close, but not close enough. Oh well, it was worth a try.

Here's another, more successful, attempt:

Sheila knows Nash who knows Deborra-lee Furness who knows Nicole Kidman who was once married to Tom Cruise who's now married to Katie Holmes. Arghh, it's a creepy TomKat connection! I'm sure Sheila's delighted...

On Holidays

Anna Nicole Smith Dies At 39

Anna Nicole Smith arrives on the arms of a bodyguard before a boxing event Jan. 6, 2007, in Hollywood. The buxom bottle blonde beauty lived life on the edge as it played out like a fairy tabloid tale - jeans model, Playboy centerfold, widow of an octogenarian billionaire, reality-show subject, diet pill peddler, tragic mother — died Thursday, Feb. 8, 2007, after collapsing at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel.

This is how Smith thinks that men in particular like to see women in the world. Long blonde hair, big boobs and a goofy grin that says "Ugh, I don't know anything". Yeh and in its own way if I try and morph into the body of a sixteen year old guy and imagine how beautiful women are supposed to look like - it sort of measures up. Luckily, I'm a bitter and twisted 41 year old chook who is trying to make some sort of sense of this. I'm not a prude either - don't get me wrong - piercings, tatts, laser eye surgery are just great, I just hate boobs that are filled with silicone. Come on, when you feel those things surely they've got to have the yuk factor.

Smith really grabbed my attention when she appeared on the American Music Awards and was completely off her face. I thought it was sort of funny that someone stuck it up the establishment without even trying and it payed off - everyone was asking Smith to host everything. I think I saw a replay of the eyes rolling in the back of her head sermon about 50 million times on the telly.

Then her son Daniel died only 3 days after she had given birth to her little girl Danilynn Hope in the Bahamas. It had the yuk factor but the really sad yuk variety - like what in the hell is going on with these people?

Then she gets married three weeks later to her attorney Howard K. Stern, who later confesses on Larry King Live that: 'Anna and I have been in a relationship and we love each other, and it's been going on for a very long time, and because of my relationship as her lawyer, we felt that it was best to keep everything hidden'. Stern is now involved in a paternity test to find out the true father of Danilynn. Smith looked more like the bride of Frankenstein on her wedding day.

I guess that somewhere somehow underneath those boobs and fake persona she must have been a little girl once. Did she ever think that when she grew up life would be like this?

Where Is Everyone?

Sean Penn, Congresswoman Maxine Waters and Reverend Jesse Jackson participate in the protest of the war in Iraq at Capitol Hill in Washington, D.C. So where is everyone else? Where's Bob Dylan? Where are all the great hippies from the sixties running around screaming with head bands and guitars? I think I must be behind the times. Back then it looked groovy to protest against war. Especially if you're a celebrity. Everyone knows that Sean Penn will be in the front line. He flew to Iraq to meet with bloody Saddam Hussein for goodness sake. He sat in one of their palatial palaces and had a cup of tea. What about the rest of the gang? Everyone in Hollywood must be bored with the whole thing. What about what its costing? Surely if you have no feelings of compassion for how many people have been killed, terrorized, raped, tortured and mentally stuffed up, surely you'd have to be thinking about the money. I really must be behind the times.

Apparently Team America really hit a nerve with Sean Penn. He couldn't stand it. Apparently it's not hard to get a rise out of Penn. He is of the 'edgy' breed. When recognised, he is scornful, deliberately pissed off. He served 32 days in jail in 1987 for hitting an extra. When he married Madonna he tried to shoot the helicopters flying around the air space above.

Luckily he missed because they managed to take crappy photos like this one. Madonna apparently wore a black bolar hat with her white gown ensemble. It was a disaster, just like the marriage. The only redeeming feature of the day was that they invited the late and great Andy Warhol.

If only Andy Warhol was alive today - donning boxing gloves and resisting the war. Even if it was to rustle some Washington feathers for the sake of a party.

Looking Forward - Oscars 2007

Oscar Statuettes stand on a shelf before being polished at R.S. Owens & Company in Chicago, Illinois. R.S. Owens manufactures the Oscar statuettes which are presented at the annual Academy Awards by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. This year's awards will be presented February 25, at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood, California. Yes well this is all well and good but has anyone asked this company why they are so stingy with the gold? Apparently the gold plate rubs off after only a few weeks creating a dilemma for some winners. Do I get it re plated or do I pretend that I don't care about this award and tell everyone I use it as a door stop - ha ha ha. I don't believe any of you. I know that you relish the glow of this golden phallus as if it were your own flesh and blood. Everyone who has ever looked into the mirror and worked out there own selfless, humble and often humorous Oscar winning speech knows this too.

Which brings me to the Golden Globes. This is ridiculous. Has everyone forgotten that it takes around 90 people from the old country to effect the box office results for most of the newly released films and what stays on the telly? Everyone is playing dumb and thinking that it's a great honor to receive this award because your producer brown nosed his or her way into taking one of the old ducks out to lunch and telling them how beautiful they are and promising that the stars of their film will hang out with them and massage their gnarly feet. I must say though that even though I haven't watched that show Ugly Betty (America Ferrera pictured below), I was sort of moved by her acceptance speech. Its great how she believes she is helping girls with how they view themselves. Beauty is only skin deep and all that. I can't see it working though. I wouldn't have the heart to tell her that all the old bags that voted for her were the only one's paying attention, gently weeping into their schnapps.

The most excruciating part of the night was when Warren Beatty was getting some sort of life time achievement award. I was getting so hot and bothered at his lousy humor and self appointed holier than thouness, that I had to wring out my hands in a pretend motion to remove the sweat. Luckily when Sascha Boran Cohen accepted his award for best leading actor in Borat it was so funny that I thought the powers that be would be on to his originality and edit it out of the presentation. You have to hand it to that clapped out lot though, they have a bit of taste.

Bob Geldof Gets Honorary Degree

Bob Geldof poses in Gateshead before receiving an honorary doctor of Civil Law degree from the University of Newcastle later in the day - a special honor for key figures in the campaign against world poverty. I've sort of had a love hate relationship with Geldof. I couldn't stand The Boomtown Rats and thought most things musical he did after that were mediocre. My love relationship is with how much he cares for things - namely that most of the world's population is poor and we should do something - anything - how dare we keep our collective knuckleheads in the sand. He stood up off course and produced Live Aid and followed with many attempts to somehow tell us to get off our trans fat arses and realize we are too well off.

I have to take a ride back with Geldof. Back when he was with that super nut - Paula Yates. They seemed to have a pretty good partnership for a while anyway until Yates interviewed Michael Hutchence from INXS. She was besotted. Astounded. Taken aback. She promptly ran home and pasted a picture of dear Michael on her kitchen fridge to be prayed to daily. This conjurer of Love's endurance finally managed to convince Michael he would be better of without Helena Christensen and come and have a nudge and a wink with her. Meanwhile back at the ranch that held that deteriorating fridge magnet, Geldof felt that his wife's antics where to be shrugged off as general folly. Little did he know that the Kama Sutra was being rewritten in a little hide away in the English country side.

Their love flourished and produced their pride and joy Tigerlily. Theirs was a dangerous liaison with talks of ecstasy and opium balls being found and their London apartment - tough of wars between Geldof and Yates over their own children's visitation etc. When you looked into their eyes you could see that these two were in for something.

Hutchence arrived back in Australia for a tour with INXS in 1997 looking bloated and wasted. He had always strutted his stuff with confidence and charisma (I wasn't much of a fan except for when I was about 17 and I saw the band at my local pub in the early days. Can I be so bold to include that Hutchence leapt off the stage and planted a kiss on my dear ape face? Go on then you name dropper Sheila!) Anyway, back to that fateful year. Hutchence decides to get all auto-erotic and hangs himself using his own belt. Erotic asphyxiation moved around the media like wild fire and then everyone started talking about it. Me, embarrassingly naive, had never really heard of it before. Before long everyone had either done it or knew someone who was doing it. Off course my friend Troy at work knew the funniest tale. It was of a man who was heavily in to it. Seriously devoted. He would tie a chain around his neck and then to a tree, jump into his VW and then let the car slowly drive around a tree. Eventually he would have his way with the whole thing. His devotion would cost him his life.

I felt so badly for Paula, everyone did. It was such a stupid way to die. No one could believe it at the time and then after a while everyone sort of believed it. The funeral was held in Sydney and everyone was there. It wasn't long before Yates followed Hutchence which seemed inevitable.

Back to Geldof. Everyone felt like he was some sort of puppet master and somehow all this was his bloody fault. He trundled along like the Irish leprechaun he is and decided to bring up Tigerlily (centre) along with her half sisters.

Happy New Year Me Hearties

Crown Princess of Japan Masako greets well wishers at The Imperial Palace on January 2, 2007 in Tokyo, Japan. I look at this woman and think of Rapunzel - locked in a palace and wishing for someone to save her - anyone. The immense pressure to produce an heir rather than pursuing her career as a diplomat has put great stress on Masako. She has become a recluse of sorts rotting away in a system that has no place for a woman's will let alone freedom.

Over the break I was reading three books at once. The first is Jane Fonda's autobiography - My Life So Far. She is such a shape shifter. I mean that in the nicest possible way. Complicated child - needing love from her mother and father and receiving little. Funky hipster wowing everyone in the sixties. Political activist in the seventies. Workout queen in the eighties. Ted Turner wife and devotee in the nineties. What this century holds is someone that has a lot of wisdom and prefers her own company rather than needing any male definition. She worries me though going back to her original faith.

The next is Germaine Greer's biography - Untamed Shrew. This disappointed me. It was full of stuff and then only passed wind gently giving a whiff of who Greer really was. I was shocked about her obsession with Mike Willesee though.

Last but not least is Margaret Whitlam's bio. Now I've never really been interested in this dear ol' chook but I can't resist any reading about how a woman lives through a husband like Gough Whitlam. It is full of common sense and determination but sadly me thinks that her own identity was never a priority. The moral of the story? Make sure you have a great 2007!

Who Are You?

Thanks to Casual Slack I've come face to face with the truth - take the test - see if you can handle the truth!

Robbie Williams Told To Butt Out!

Robbie Williams has rattled the patience of the anti-smoking lobby by dragging on a cigarette in front of more than 52,000 people at his first show in Brisbane. A spokesman for Health Minister Stephen Robertson said while it was illegal to smoke at public venues, Robbie was a visitor to both Australia and Queensland and he might not have been aware of the anti-smoking laws and how seriously Queenslanders regarded them. "We hope there's not a repeat performance tonight," Mr Robertson said yesterday. The spokesman would not say what penalties the pop star would face if he became a repeat offender. Queensland Cancer Fund manager Susan Greenbank took a more tongue-in-cheek approach; "Robbie is a very bad boy and there are a number of staff at the Queensland Cancer Fund who would be more than willing to give him a stern talking to," she said. I bet she has some special punishment for naughty Robbie.
See, in the beginning, I couldn't stand Robbie Williams. In fact, anyone who was remotely connected with a boy band made me sick to my stomach. Then suddenly, as if from a flash of mainstream hoodoo voodoo, I was smitten. See, I think he's probably revolting in real life. He's all laddy and I'm a reformed drug addict and all of you are a complete losers if you even look at a Bex. See, there is a distinct line between performers and their real life personas. They can be a right ol' ning-nong tosser and I couldn't care less as long as they tickle my fancy bone.

When he teamed up with Kylie Minogue, I thought it was such a miss match. You see, Kylie has no sexuality. She is one of those nymphs that just floats about singing and occasionally kissing someone on the cheek. As for Robbie, he explodes with sexuality. He's admitted that he's been with everyone and everything.

Now, picking Daryl Hannah for his music video was sheer brilliance. That liaison I could understand. Something extra, well Daryl has this little secret in the palm of her hand. A half finger to be exact. When she makes some movies they digitally enhance the finger so that she doesn't look freakish. I wonder if she still thinks about JFK junior. Her replacement looked similar. I wonder if she ever wonders that it could of been ol' Daryl in that plane.

Now Noel Gallagher is having some sort of war of words against poor ol' Robbie about the state of his mental health. I heard that these two were as thick as thieves. It coincided with Oasis being rehashed so I think it was just so he could get his name on my blog.

All this smoke from Robbie seems to have blown over my dear ol' town of Melbourne. Here it is just a few days ago. We were all coughing and splattering around the place because of all the damn bush fires everywhere. An eerie, orange light glowed all day and into the night. I didn't want to go outside.

One day later and now look at us. Thank goodness it all seems to be under control. Everyone is breathing. Everyone is glad that no one was hurt (except all the native animals that everyone is desperately trying to rescue) and everyone is going about their business to Santa's little bell. Ting-a-ling-ling.

El Camino De Los Ingleses - Madrid Premiere

Antonio Banderas and wife Melanie Griffith attend the premiere of "El Camino de los Ingleses" at Kinepolis Cinema in Madrid, Spain. When I first saw this picture my mind was flooded with memories of Madonna and her epic rockudrama "Truth Or Dare". The excruciating tale of Madonna on tour: her perceptions of life, love and all things just really stupid. The thing is, at the time it was released I was a sort of closet fan of her songs (not so closet with a chosen few Nash) anyway, when I saw that piece of bum drivel, I could not believe she had sweated it out in an editing suite and found that it was passable.



Madonna furiously stalked Antonio - he gave her a bit of a nudge and a wink but that was about it. Regardless, she basically gave birth to his career in Hollywood which killed any credibility he would have had as an actor. I think its great though that he has stuck by Melanie Griffith besides all her reported emotional highs and lows, drug and alcohol problems and last but not least surgical addiction. I remember standing in line at the supermarket and the headline in one of the mags: "Antonio Forbids Further Surgery!"

This leads me to Awful Plastic Surgery where everyone who's been under the knife or has even flirted with the idea is listed. There is a line in the sand and we all know what it is. Ginger pops up as one of those people who found the line blown away by life's little sand storms...

See, I can understand why Ginger went kicking and screaming into her later years. She was so beautiful in Gilligan's Island so how can anyone blame her for not wanting it to last?

She would crack on to anyone in the show - even the dim witted Gilligan - who would have been impressed by anything - even the skipper in a tutu. Dear Bob Denver, what was life like for you after all that tomfoolery?

Here he is at the Gilligan's Island pokey machine trying his luck with Dawn Wells. Wells decided to stay with the face that she had and probably looks better than anyone. It was Mary-Anne who won the war over who received the most fan mail (apparently most young boys thought that she was the hot one out of Ginger and her good self - while men over the age of about 15 thought it was Ginger but they never really watched the show or wrote fan mail except probably for my Dad who watched it religiously) while making Gilligan's Island and as they say had the last laugh.... In April 2005 Dawn Wells sold her famous Mary Ann ginham blouse and shorts ensemble for $20,700.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Twin rare white lion cubs from Mogo Zoo on the New South Wales South Coast run around at Lavender Green, Luna Park, Sydney. Mogo Zoo's breeding of two litters of white lion cubs in the space of just three months brings their pride of white lions to 7. The 8-week old twins are white in color due to a recessive gene called 'the chinchilla mutation' and have been extinct in the wild for over 12 years.

A smuggled orangutan sits caged in Halim Perdanakusumah Airport, Jakarta, Indonesia. Forty six smuggled orangutan from a Thai amusement park are to eventually to fly home to their native Indonesia. The trafficked animals, many of them forced to stage mock kick-boxing bouts were confiscated from Bangkok's Safari World theme park several years ago. DNA tests prove they had come from the island of Borneo in Indonesia. After their short transit in Jakarta, they will fly to Nyaru Menteng Orangutan Reintroduction Center in Central Kalimantan, Borneo.

Winner Pat Bertoletti of Chicago (left) tries to stuff as much turkey as he can in his pathetic gob while current champion Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas (right) of Virginia has trouble swallowing her lot as they compete in the 'Thanksgiving Invitational Turkey-Eating Championship' at Artie's Delicatessen, New York. Bertoletti won by devouring 2.177 kg of turkey in 12 minutes - the "The Black Widow" failed to measure up this time.

Alien vs. Predator - You Decide!

Michael Jackson receives the 'Diamond Award' on stage during the 2006 World Music Awards at Earls Court in London. "There have been so many who have loved and stood by me for the 25 years I have been in the entertainment industry. I'd like to thank my children particularly - Paris, Prince Michael and Blanket (Prince Michael II) for their unconditional love. I love all my fans from the bottom of my heart."

The 'Diamond Award' signifies selling at least 100 million albums. As this is a feat in itself I'll give him that. That's as far as I'll go. Oh, no I'll give him the fact that he's persisted with his facial surgery for so long and has entertain us all for years. Yes and Neverland, I'll give him that as well. The thing is, I was in a dilemma about something. I was impressed by Michael's appearance but I'm also wondering about something else.

Do you think you know what it is? Come on look into Michael's eyes and see if you can decode the title of this post. Michael, Michael - Is there anyone out there that is as freaky as you? Come on, you know you want to tell, maybe you can sing it softly to us....


What's this! Someone else has started to do the crotch grabbing, zombie dance! Michael what's happening? Chris Brown performed the hit "Thriller" on stage during the awards with Michael giggling behind a curtain somewhere.


The atmosphere was slimed with zombie goo and the disappointment of the loyal few. Michael thought he would deflate the sadness with a few bars from 'We Are The World' with all the lovely children drawing around to pipe into the chorus. Boos came from the arena, panic and then calm. Yes everyone read Michael's eyes. They said that the only thing that would beat him in the headlines was Tomkat's wedding.

Tom Cruise and his fiancee Katie Holmes holding their daughter Suri arrive at a restaurant in central Rome. They are expected to marry at the weekend, in the Odescalchi Castle, in the lakeside town of Bracciano near the Italian capital.

The Black Ball

Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise pose with model Iman at "The Black Ball" presented by Conde Nast Media Group and hosted by Alicia Keys and Iman to benefit "Keep A Child Alive" at Hammerstein Ballroom in New York City. Of course when I see a photo like this I can't let it rest. I'm intrigued by the people in it and what they represent. I thought I'd reflect on relationships and how they can influence your life and your career. Let me start with Tom Cruise.

When Tom Cruise made Born On The Fourth Of July I was more than impressed. It was a great film and one that led me to believe that Tom Cruise had some depth to him. I said had as I can't see anything in him now that reflects any sort of introspection or deep thought. He is blank. Gone to that other place that only loonies can go. Let me get back to the film. See, at this stage he was with Nicole Kidman. To my understanding she never joined the Scientology pack and seemed to challenge Cruise on many things. A worker from a hotel they stayed in Sydney said that he would hear them yelling and screaming at each other for hours from their hotel room. They would laugh merrily when caught as if it was all 'method acting'. In a way this sounds healthy. Two upstarts trying to out do each other. I see his relationship with Katie Holmes so terribly out of whack with all that is right and good. She seemed to convert to that space spawn ministry with the speed of a whippet. She skidded into this relationship loaded with memories of teenage dreams with the ultimate being 'married to Tom Cruise'. Pregnancy burst on to our televisions sets with the speed of a miraculous conception. I always thought that Cruise had a low sperm count and that's why Kidman found it hard to get pregnant (impotence and a small member had also been whispered around the traps) but then who am I to know?

Iman and David Bowie's relationship has always mystified as well. Suddenly he's settled down with a wife and child and happy to just be a house husband and listen to jazz. She sees him as 'the love of her life' and there it is. Look to be honest when I went to see Bowie's 'The Serious Moonlight' tour of '83 I was in love with him too. I couldn't get enough of him. I despised Catherine Deneuve for turning him into the living dead in The Hunger and like Candy Clark, I wanted to take good care of the poor ol' alien in The Man Who Fell To Earth.

David Bowie was always considered a swinger of sorts. Women to men and then men to women and then back again. I heard that he had it off with Mick Jagger more than once (I can't imagine how he got round that gaping mouth of his) but anyway, good luck to him. This brings me back to Iman. How can someone that's been around that traps like Bowie just be happy to sit around the house and make cups of tea? I don't buy it.

When Mick Jagger was with Marianne Faithfull I think his looks were at their peak. She unfortunately took an overdose and landed in hospital while he was making Ned Kelly.

Mel Brooks And David Hasselhoff Make Major Announcement

David Hasselhoff and Mel Brooks pose at the St. James Theatre in New York City. Brooks announced that Hasselhoff has been signed to perform as Roger DeBris in the Las Vegas production of "The Producers." See what I think is going on here is that Mel Brooks thinks Hasselhoff is going to pull in the broads and make him some big money i.e. the Baywatch phenomenon (apparently in its hey day, Baywatch was watched by over 1 billion people per week). He also sees beyond all the hoo-ha and the faux pas (i.e. drunken episodes in London etc.) and wants to give the Hoff a chance to shine in the city of lights. Hasselhoff on the other hand sees this as a chance to redeem himself: 'To work amongst the people, real acting - on a stage!'. Hasselhoff doesn't understand the non-believers, people that think he's is a drunken ol' fool with just enough talent to captivate a karaoke crowd. He is an innocent of sorts.

See this is what he sees in the mirror. A man on a mission. Someone that's been around the traps and knows a thing or two about charisma.

At night he sees himself like this. Fully charged and ready to go. He's a man's man and a woman's electric blanket.

He beholds grace and power too.

Oh Hoff you ol' fool, if only art had imitated life and it was Larry David in Vegas (season 4 of Curb Your Enthusiasm sees Larry performing "The Producers" on Broadway). Larry David has this uncanny way of tinkering with your funny bone and making it hurt.

A scene from an early Curb where Larry is disgusted by the girl sitting next to him. She gets to see the doctor first and Larry is left wondering why when you make an appointment at a doctors surgery, its first in first serve: "What in the hell were you doing in there for 45 minutes? Talking about old times?"

One of Larry's real life friends, Richard Lewis plays a friend of his in the show. Larry explains that Richard is one of those friends you can scream obscenities without any repercussions.

Cabaret Musical - Opening Night At The Folies Bergeres

Marisa Berenson with Liza and dear Roman Polanski (one of the best auto-biographies ever written is 'Roman by Polanski'. Its a whole different can of worms but I'll discuss this at a later date). Anyway, Liza seems to pull in the crowds despite everything. If you think I'm being hard on dear Liza, you need to stay with me a little longer. See I remember when she used to be a babe and almost an innocent one at that. Yes, Liza.

Here she is when she looked hot. I know she has a strange sort of beauty but who cares. She looks amazing. Oversized eyes and lips. Everyone is trying to implant that now as we speak. She echoes a sort of Christina Onassis persona. No wonder Peter Allen fancied her despite his sexual orientation.

Boy I wonder what really went on in their relationship. I find them to be an intriguing pair. Did she know at first? Did she care? And what about her mother? Every tranny across the globe either wanted to be Judy Garland or be some sort of relation even if it was her son in law.

I see these two as almost sisters. They lived such parallel lives. The drugs, the booze and the talent.

Much love.

I had to put in this coupling. Robert DeNiro with Liza in New York, New York. What's great about this photo is that it represents nothing about who these two really were. And yet the staged innocence of it is remarkably moving.

Here we go. Now this is when she must have been hitting the scene really hard. Here she is with Uri Geller, Alice Cooper and Uri's dear ol' ma.

This one's for you Nash. (Some know it all from South Australia finally bought that Warhol book on ebay!)

Now this is where everyone thinks Liza's fortune went pear shaped. For me it was a delightful union of like minded souls.

Apparently all was not well in the marital bed. That dirty bird Gest has accused dear Liza of giving him herpes. What about all the lergies she sucked out of his waxy mouth? Oh Liza, I wish you all the best.

Rome Film Festival - "Actors' Studio" - Red Carpet

Lee Grant in Shampoo who really stole the show from Julie Christie. I have to say though most of her films are pale in comparison to When Are You Comin' Back Red Rider?

Ellen Burnstyn doesn't do much for me but she certainly took a gamble and won with The Exorcist.

Who can forget this moment when dear Linda Blair crawls backward down the stairs!

Frieze Art Fair In London

A man replicates the pose of an art installation to his left entitled 'Playtime' by artist Paul de Reus at the annual Frieze Art Fair in London. The Frieze Art Fair showcases modern installation, sculptures and paintings and video art by over 1,000 international artists.

Its great to act like we don't give a damn. To have that confidence to go in to a gallery and bend over and put your bum in the air should be encouraged. I find that one of my public faux pas is to just burst out laughing for no apparent reason. I can't help myself sometimes. Its not one of those nutty laughs that insane people do walking down the street, scratching their head and then slowly taking off layers of clothing. It's more like a ridiculous flutter of memory that has no way of escaping except through the gaping cavity in my head. It can happen anywhere and anyhow.

A still from the compulsory viewing film The Idiots.

Warren Beatty Ridiculously Re-Runs 'Reds'

Warren Beatty and Annette Bening attend Paramount Home Entertainment's special 25th anniversary screening of Reds at The New York Film Festival in New York City. Its great to see these two out and about but the thing is they haven't been able to make a good movie in years so they run Reds again which I thought was just so so and Beatty seems to be really proud of it but I think he's done much better than that.

Take for instance Bonnie and Clyde. It stands up well to the test of time even though its naive in its portrayal of the two bank robbing scoundrels. Don't get me wrong, I love naivete. As a matter of fact I can be quite naive. Their relationship with family and friends, their sexuality, their sense of self are all exposed in this film with the same vigor as the tale of their bank robbing arrogance. I love this film. The stand out performance is by Michael J. Pollard and their bumbling, country bumkin side kick.

Here's Beatty as he would like to be remembered. As George in Shampoo - the sexy, traveling, cut and blow wave guy, who is just there when you need a house call for a home hair disaster. See when I saw shampoo, I just fell in love with Warren Beatty. He's just an idiot in the film but who cares? I just thought he was a modern day cowboy who would root his way to the top. I was impressed. The thing is though, Warren Beatty still thinks he's the main guy that Carly Simon sings about. I once saw him interviewed on 60 minutes. This was just a few years ago. You could barely see him because he had requested special dim lighting to hide any resemblance he had to being an old man. Its just that he was squinting so hard to see the interviewer, the interviewer was squinting so hard to see him and everyone who was watching was squinting so hard that I completely forget anything he talked about. Your right, he is soooo vain.

What about when he went out with Madonna for a few months? What was that all about? She is just about as boring as he is so they were a great match. When Madonna opens her mouth you better run.

Here's a little ray of sunshine, Beatty with his sister, Shirley MacLaine. She's nuts but at least she's more interesting than her poor ol' bro.

Its hard to imagine that the two are even related. Just look at them.

One of my favorite MacLaine films is ofcourse, Terms Of Endearment. Come on don't roll your eyes, you love it too. Apart from that, my other interests in MacLaine lie with her off the planet ravings and her relationship with one of our politicians, Andrew Peacock. He's a slimy ol' bastard. The only interesting thing he really did was hook up with her.

I tried getting a better photo of the two of them but this will have to do.

Norman Gunston seems to pop up at pivotal moments in history. Only he could interview MacLaine and have Andrew Peacock pop up in the background. Here he is with my favorite band when I was 14 - KISS.

Second Annual Christopher Reeve Foundation Celebration

Robin Williams attends the Second Annual Christopher Reeve Foundation Celebration at the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Beverly Hills, California. Thank goodness for Robin Williams. He was such a great friend to Christopher Reeve. He financially supported Reeve after that fateful accident and never made a song and dance about it. As far as acting goes, the best thing Williams ever did was The World According To Garp. I was so surprised with this film - I cried like a baby. Nanoo nanoo was no where to be seen (oh maybe just a little bit).



Ofcourse John Lithgow worked on Garp as well and here he is lending his support.

Deathtrap is my favorite Christopher Reeve film. Michael Caine was his usual brilliant self (just forget Blame It On Rio for a second). A play written by Ira Levin, his other credits include The Stepford Wives and one of my dark favorites, Rosemary's Baby.

If I think of Michael Caine and blink, I see Alfie. The style of this film and Caine's trail blazing performance would influence many actors and directors alike. Shelley Winters co stars with Caine which leads me to one of my favorite scenes of all time - her mammoth swim in the seventies classic, The Poseidon Adventure.

I remember my Dad asking me if I wanted to go and see The Poseidon Adventure. My first reaction was 'Is it scary?' I was only about 10 at the time and was going through a difficult faze coming to terms with the concept of death. My parents were sensitive to this to a point. 'Nah, its just a great adventure'. Suspicious, I went along anyway and loved every minute of it.

Roddy McDowall was in Poseidon and luckily for me turned up in The Planet Of The Apes. This is another poignant moment in my film education. Sitting with Mum and Dad in the loungeroom - volume unusually high - light flickering from the telly - no one moved. From the moment that Charlton Heston delivered his bleak diatribe about human existence I was hooked. During the shoot chimps, apes and orangutans were deliberately segregated from each other. I wonder how the people that played the humans in the film felt?

The ultimate love scene. Who would of thought that I'd end up smooching one of my favorite actors, Charlton Heston (just try and forget about the gun lobby for a second also). Just think Soylent Green and The Omega Man and now you're with me.